Suck Out The Poison And SOAR!

Consider your mind.  Our generation is willing to spend thousands of dollars on just educating our minds!  But even after we have spent all that money, attended all those classes, and suffered through all the stress of obtaining an education, how efficiently do we use our minds?  We have this vast database of information, but every day we discredit everything that it processes.  We even lose confidence in our own minds to such an extent that we reduce ourselves to being nothing more than an existence of matter.  Humans are extraordinary; we have the ability to use our minds for the greater good, which is why we call it “Humanity.”  We are souls capable of choosing our future, with minds that will shape that future into a tangible reality.  However, we have chosen to pollute our minds with every-day common smut, creating an environment that inhibits the progress of the mind. In this toxic environment we are losing our humanity.

We live in a world that thrives on negativity.  It bombards us every day; from the moment we wake up, it creeps into our thoughts and our interactions, leaving us little light by which to see the good that surrounds us. Why do we let negativity take control of us in such a way?  Negativity is a powerful thing, but it is also an easy thing.  You see, negativity carries with it no expectations.  If there are no expectations, then we are more easily appeased and we can remain in our state of unchanging complacency.  It is admittedly easier to live without hope and expectations than to see ourselves not reaching our potential and falling short of our dreams.

Negativity is defined as: “thinking about the bad qualities of someone or something: thinking that a bad result will happen: not hopeful or optimistic.”

                                                                           (Merriam-Webster Dictionary)

I have had my own love/hate affair with negativity. Through coping with the deaths of very close family members to my own experience with severe postpartum depression, I conditioned myself to think the worst in all cases.  You see, if I were to think the worst, then when the worst happened I was not surprised or let down.  I let myself become hardened and unwilling to see the good, and my attitude towards life reflected my thoughts of despair and grief.

I can recall many experiences with a roommate that I had. I will call her Chanelle. Chanelle had the biggest, brightest smile I had ever seen and the giant, positive personality to go with it.  She was a dancer and would wake up at five in the morning to practice ballet in the living room.  Her seemingly perfect exterior and her unfailing smile led a “realist” like me to pursue one goal:  bring her down. I wanted her to learn that the world was an awful place.  Needless to say, at first we did not get along. She simply avoided me while I toiled in my attempts to hurl the woes of the world in her direction. I am happy now to say that I failed in my pursuits, and to this day, she with her unfailing smile, is still one of the loveliest people I have ever met.  She has also become a very successful woman, and I can only attribute this to her positive “can do” attitude. She never let her mind become polluted with the negativity that I was trying to instill in it.

Cynicism, worry, paranoia, anger, self-consciousness, and depression are all byproducts of the continued allowance of negativity in our minds.  As I have already expressed, I am no stranger to these emotions.  It was ultimately depression which left me with the desire to change my thoughts.  My depression left me in such a state that I was a burden on my family and a danger to myself.  I had to change, or I would lose everything I held dear.  It was not easy; depression is a very real disease. It was as if I was at the bottom of a muddy pit, clawing my way to the surface with nothing to hold onto but sheer will of heart, this alone was the only thing keeping me from falling to my death.

It has been a long road getting to where I am, and even now, I have a long way to go. But here is what I learned along the way:

Positivity is much more powerful than its alternative! This is true because there are so many amazing things to accomplish in life!  It is not easy to be positive, because unlike its counterpart, positivity carries extensive expectations. However, these expectations are what will ultimately change us. Positive thinking led Harriet Tubman to free a thousand slaves.  It led Thomas Edison to a successful end in his desire to harness electricity. Mother Teresa received a Nobel Peace Prize through her ability to help others and bring positivity into their lives. Positive thinking is how Elon Musk will eventually colonize Mars. And finally, positive thinking is what will lead all of us to personal success. This habit will cause our minds to soar, and our generation will become the most successful, the most vibrant, and the most loving generation of all time. 

Changing how you think is incredibly difficult, especially if, like me, you have had years of doing the opposite.  My suggestion is to start with your body. Eat well and exercise, because if your body feels sick so will your mind.  After this, find a goal that you want to focus on, something that you sincerely desire to accomplish.  Challenge yourself for 30 days to concentrate on obtaining that goal. Every time negative thoughts come into your mind, you will need to consciously replace them immediately with something worthwhile.  Most importantly, believe that you will obtain your goal! If you don’t believe that it can happen, then there is no sense in working towards it. You must honestly believe that you can obtain your desire!  During this time, it is also important not to speak ill of others.  Make it a priority to be conscious of those around you. EVERYONE is going through something hard, so don’t let yourself be another reason for them to think negatively. Essentially what I am saying is: pay it forward; create good karma.  Everything you give will be returned to you in many ways.  

“A man is but the product of his thoughts. What he thinks he becomes.”

                                                                                          -Mahatma Gandhi

Further Reading:

1. Harriet Tubman, http://www.biography.com/people/harriet-tubman-9511430

2. Mother Teresa, http://www.biography.com/people/mother-teresa-9504160.

3. Thomas Edison, http://www.thomasedison.com/.

Citations:

4. “Negativity.” Merriam-Webster Dictionary. Web. 20 Apr. 2015.  http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/negativity.

5. Howell, Elizabeth. “SpaceX's Elon Musk to Reveal Mars Colonization Ideas This Year.” Space. Web 20 Apr. 2015. <http://www.space.com/28215-elon-musk-spacex-mars-colony-idea.html>.

Why you are currently unsuccessful.

The Late Earl Nightingale described success as: “The progressive realization of a worthy ideal.” Meaning, as long as you are continuously working towards your worthwhile goals you are a success.  The minute you decide that reaching your goals is improbable or impossible, you give up, you fail.

If you are like me, then there is a point in your life where you stopped dreaming.  This point is where you decided that what you really wanted out of life was unobtainable. Whether it be wealth, recognition, solid familiar ties, maybe even freedom. The list extends forever of what you might want out of life.  However, someone, somewhere, told you that you were a dreamer, and that you should be a realist. In fact, you probably heard phrases similar to this many times, right before you gave up your dream.

 Take a minute to reflect back to what your dream was, can you remember?  Now, think about what you have settled for.  Did you give up your dream for a low paying (safe) job?  Did you get a degree in something you didn’t even like because people told you, you wouldn’t be successful in what you wanted to study? Maybe you are at a point in your life where it is painful to get out of bed in the morning because you are telling yourself it is not worth it. If this is the case, STOP IT, Halt these thoughts in their tracks!  

At the commencement of my university career, the graduation speaker, in his address expressed his solemn hope, that we would all be able to find jobs.  Let me give some context, I pursued a Liberal Arts degree in Music. I can very well predict what went through your head as you read that.  You probably thought something to the effect of, “What a worthless Degree!”  Don’t worry, I don’t blame you. This is what I heard every time I told someone what I was studying. And for some time, I actually believed what they were saying. However, those thoughts are a direct result of what the world has taught us to think.  I now use my degree every day of my life.  I even own a budding business that I created around my degree. 

An unsuccessful person who receives a degree in Business will still be unsuccessful in their career regardless of the degree.  A successful person who receives a degree in Visual Arts, will still be successful regardless of the degree.  The degree does not matter! What matters is if you decide to be a successful person.

“Success is the progressive realization of a worthy ideal.”  If you are not happy where you are, choose where you want to be.  Focus on that goal, and don’t let the opinion of others become your obstacle. Others will only try to stop you because they have forsaken their dreams, and in their failure they don’t want to be alone. Don’t let anything break your concentration!  Find your dream and then decide to live it!  And don’t be discouraged if it takes a long time to come, the best things in life are worth working towards! And when you reach your goal it will make your personal victory all the sweeter to taste!

I wish to explain that there is a difference between having a failure and being a failure.  A failure attempted in the right direction is a success.  Think of J.K. Rowling, The author was rejected 12 times before she succeeded in publishing Harry Potter. She once stated that, “Rock Bottom became the solid foundation upon which I built by life.” Small failures will result in a large success, if only you attempt again.  When you reduce your dream to being a mere whimsical idea, and discredit the power it holds, that is when you truly give up. 

 When pursuing a dream, never us the word ‘Try,’ to try implies that failure is possible. When you say you will DO something, it implies a successful resolution to the task at hand. Also, say what you are going to do aloud, this will solidify the ideal in your mind, and immediately your brain will begin putting your dream into action.

Below I have the original recording of Earl Nightingale when he first presented this idea.  I promise if you listen to it and you apply what he says your life will change for the better.

Decide to be a successful person, once you make that decision, the hardest part is done.

References:

1.      Nightingale, E. (2006). The strangest secret. United States: BN Pub.

Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NSiPbuotH4c  accessed: 4/1/2015

2.      Rowling, J.K. (2012) http://www.jkrowling.com/en_GB/#/ accessed: 4/1/2015

What is your legitimate excuse?

I feel my life needs to take a different turn.  In my previous post I adressed bloggers who write only about pessimistic things.  Rather than dwell on their writings I am going to take a new direction with this blog.  Instead of acknowleding all of the ridiculous things that I see and hear on the internet and in daily life, I now choose to share all of the things that I have seen make people successful and lead happy lives.

A few weeks ago I attended a seminar for Business Development.  The speaker was fantastic and I took a lot away from what he shared.  However, there was one quote that cause my mind to stir and my heart to thump in a mild panic as I realized my own guilt in what his statement adressed.

"Every person is one legitimate excuse away from living (his/her) dreams."

                                                                                         -Justin Jacobs

The genius behind this quote is that he acknowledged that everyone has legitimate problems.  After all, the same wind beats upon all of our heads.  If we have problems, then we certainly can know that our neighbor has problems as well. We will never be free from trials or issues! However, it will be how we choose to react to the problem which will ultimately determine the outcome of our lives. 

Saying that I have knock knees and that running causes me knee problems is a legitimate excuse, but this excuse will not make me stronger. Saying that I can't play at a professional level as a violinist because I don't have the time to practice is a legitimate excuse. However, this excuse will never let me excel in my career.   Also, saying these excuses only reaffirms that they are real in my mind. Saying the excuse out loud only makes the barrier stronger.

What is your insurmountable excuse, and why do you let it rule you?  This is what I have asked myself repeatedly over the past few weeks.  Will I be defined by my excuse, or what I told myself I could accomplish?

I choose to be defined by what I can accomplish,  I will set my own goals and I will reach them, even if it takes me my whole life.  What is the alternative? I give up, and I never know what I could have become.

Now, I want to give a shout out to an amazing person: Valerie Inertie, I don't think she let herself bow to her excuses in order to accomplish this amazing dance.

Your insurmountable excuse is the only thing keeping you from your success. If you are unhappy, figure out what your excuse is, laugh at it, and then you become the person who tells yourself that you can. Do not rely on others permission to become someone amazing.

To: the pessimist

Living in a world that feeds off of hysteria and pessimism, I often find myself thinking about what kind of life I myself would like to lead. If the world is really as bad as everyone says it is, how on earth am I ever going to find peace in it?  A while back I read a blog, this blog was designed to put down everyone and everything that the writer deemed to be 'unworthy'.  Imagine that, this person has created an entire blog just to tell the world how much they hate it.  This particular blogger appointed themselves to be the 'judge of everything,' and sat upon a throne criticizing and demeaning every person who had ever shown forth an optimistic or positive opinion.

While I am sad for this person, knowing that one day (when and if they grow up) they will feel absolutely humiliated  for saying such stupid things online; I do understand why this person has become that way.

We have allowed pessimism to rule our lives for too long.  We have put our emotions into the media, and we let them dictate everything we should be feeling.  Ebola is running rampant, HIDE! GET GAS MASKS! WE ARE ALL GONNA DIE, AND IT'S OBAMA'S FAULT! The government is taking over our lives, DON'T ASSOCIATE WITH ANYONE FROM THE OPPOSITE POLITICAL PARTY!  This church (even though I'm not associated with it in any way) said something that I don't agree with: TORCH ALL THE BELIEVERS!  Honestly, where have we let ourselves go?  Didn't we used to fight for a reason?  wasn't there a common dream between all people to find a greater good?  The media has done an excellent job at destroying the voice of the people.  Rather than banning together to make good things happen, we quarrel amongst ourselves.  We have given up fighting together, and now we fight each other. What a stunning tactic, we as a society have been lulled into a state of damning complacency; there will be no fight from us now, we just accept what the world will put upon us.

We have stopped dreaming and we now remain stagnant; our world is falling apart because we have nothing to look forward to each day. We have settled into poverty and debt, and we just accept that life must be that way, and we don't even try to change it now.

I remember a poster on my high school history teachers wall, this poster stated: "If you don't like something, Change it. If you can't change it, Change yourself."  This poster stuck with me, even through my own dark times. I always knew that if there was something about my situation I absolutely hated, then it was ME who had the power to change it. Whether I changed the circumstances, or my attitude toward the situation, it was in MY POWER.  Have I always abided by this rule? No, but I have always known of its veracity.

I can't change what anyone else does with their lives, but I can change what I do with mine.  If I want to make a million dollars, well, I'm going to do it.  If I want to travel the world, I will find a way to do it.  I can only do what I tell myself I can do. I'm a Petersen for Petes sake, and when someone tells us we can't do something we often do it just to prove them wrong.  Mostly, we listen to the people who tell us we can, not the people who tell us we can't. Our task is not impossible, we are good enough to accomplish the task!

I am grateful for the family and friends I have who tell me that I can,  a support system who taught me to do hard things and never give up!

To that self appointed blogger I mentioned at the beginning of this post, I am sorry that you have given up.  I am sorry that you are letting the world run your life instead of acting for yourself.  I do not know at what point you gave up your free agency to act for yourself, but I hope one day you will find it again.    I hope one day, the world will let optimism and hope rule their decisions instead of hate and fear.

Be grateful, and learn to love again,  it's your life....do something with it.

The Hell of Bell's and then a Baby

While my last blog was very inspirational, I feel I must come clean.  I have not weathered this disease of Bell's Palsy with any amount of grace.  In fact the longer my face remained motionless the more bitter I became.  It has been almost 5 months since my face became paralyzed and only now am I starting to regain muscle movement.  In this post I would like to share the two sides of myself as I traveled through this new world of being a mother and all the interesting turns my life has taken.

10 days late! My baby, although weighing in at good solid 6 pounds at my 32 week visit was in fact 10 days overdue. Born March 25, 2014 Mr. Maxwell Conrad York!  He's pretty much the best baby anyone could ever ask for.  However,  he did not make it easy on his mom.  I went into the hospital Sunday night to be induced as I was clearly never going to have the baby on my own.  After 24 hours of medications, pitosin, contractions, epidurals, oxygen masks and my water being broken by the doctor I still had not dilated past 3cm.  As you can imagine I was beginning to believe that I would in fact be pregnant forever, or I would die there in the delivery room. But luckily for modern medication they have significantly reduced the number of women who die during childbirth each year. Finally around 29.5 hours of being in labor I was finally fully dilated, I could get this baby out.  A half hour later we said hello to the cutest newborn I have ever seen, He was probably so cute because he completely skipped the scrawny newborn stage, born at 3:30 a.m. and weighing in at 9lbs 2oz  I had given birth to a child that was actually several weeks old already, therefore he skipped the weird alien looking phase.

Obviously I was the luckiest lady in the world that night.  I still get a little teary when I drive past the hospital where he was born.  Tears of Joy and also tears of dread (for another reason).  You see, giving birth had somehow messed me up on the inside, and a few weeks after little Conrad was born I began to have severe chest pain.  I'll be quite honest I thought it was only really bad gas until the pain started getting worse to the point that it felt like someone was blowing up a steel balloon inside my rib cage. If I didn't think that I was dying while in labor I certainly thought I was now.  I shortly realized by the severity of the pain that I was having problems with gallstones (which is a common problem in my family).  This pain was 10 times worse than a labor contraction, who knew that was possible.  All this and my face still had not started to heal. Not only was I becoming bitter I was now in severe pain.  I would have Gallbladder attacks about 3-4 times a week, mainly at night. When I felt an attack coming on I usually tried not to wake Shane up, so I would head out to the couch and scream into a pillow until the pain subsided.  These attacks lasted about an hour a piece on average. 

I had never experienced anything like this in my life.  I had always been a really healthy girl. Never did I think that I could be so sick.  On top of a paralyzed face, Gallbladder infection, and giving birth, I also encountered bouts of Mastitis, and the flu, which between the two caused me not to be able to feed my own child. I also had fair amount of depression, the details of which I will not discuss on a blog. I can honestly say that I was brought so low that I could not see the light of day.  The only thing I had really keeping me around was the little smile of my Conrad.  And to top it all off, May 5th I went to my graduation from the University of Utah.  I had been waiting for this day for years, and not only was I really sick, but I would have to walk across the stage, smile, and take a picture with two people I didn't even know all while sporting a severely lopsided face that made me look like both Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde at the same time. I wanted to give up on everything! I hated life so much that I was making myself and my family suffer.

Finally one night I felt a gallbladder attack coming on.  I quickly asked Shane for a help. He gave me what is called a Priesthood Blessing in our faith. This blessing is basically a sacred prayer to God to administer to sick people. In the blessing he did not bless me with the ability to overcome this attack easily, rather he blessed the doctors that they would know what to do.  Since I did not plan on going to the hospital I thought he was just tired an incoherent. I then proceeded to the couch to begin my ritual of writhing in agony.Well that was at 4 a.m., by 8 a.m. the attack still had not relinquished its hell fury. I was by this time dehydrated and hyperventilating. So I told Shane that we were going to the hospital, we ran several red lights and I rushed to the E.R. window.  They immediately took me in, I can't tell you how much I loved morphine in that moment. 

They took me into surgery that day and removed my gallbladder (It is the best health decision I have ever made). Looking back on this, I still can't believe that I'm okay today. I have this desire to cry, but I don't want to re-live all of that horror.  It has been a long recovery process and I have not been okay all of the time.  But I now know that I am a person who can overcome things.  I am still pulling out this whole mess, my face is still healing and has made much better improvement as of late. I am taking better care of myself and making sure that I am eating healthy.  I have to, I can't afford the consequences, I can't do that to my family again.  

Enough about the myriad of pain I had, let me tell you about this amazing little person who has taken control of my heart. He is so good, when I would have bad days he could tell and he would be patient with me.  He growls back at me when I growl at him and he is a continuously happy baby. I am so lucky!  The only time he really becomes a monster is when he's hungry, and heck who isn't a monster when they are hungry!  He loves me and thinks I'm beautiful even though I can't fully smile, and he loves my signing voice, especially in the shower. He believes me to be the most talented Violinist in the whole world and he is by far the most handsome kid I have ever seen.  He loves bath time so much that sometimes I imagine one day he will be a great swimmer and will totally kick Micheal Phelps iron clad butt. But for now he will just dance in his little tub covered in bubbles. Later he can choose what he wants to be, but for now I'm going to wait till he wakes up from his nap and then attack him with kisses on his wonderful corpulent cheeks. 

Last I want to thank Shane,  he has saved my life over and over again these past few months.  I can safely say I would not be here without him.  Life is hard and sometimes it seems like there is no way out of the mess we find ourselves in.  But I would never choose to go back to who I was before.  I am not grateful for the trial itself, but I am grateful for what it has taught me, and I am grateful for the miracles that have helped me through it so far.

Growing up as a Millennial is a tricky thing in this world.  As you can see there are articles about us streaming the internet far and wide.  Now, I am not writing this to vent any specific idea.  I am only writing my own experience with being a so called "Millennial Child."

Growing up I was told I was special, and it was very easy for me to believe.  Easy in the sense that I grew up in rural Utah and there weren't a whole lot of people to compete with for being "Special."  I was the youngest of Seven Children and there was also a seven year gap in between my next sibling and myself. I essentially grew up an only child,  I did not have brothers and sisters close in age to fight with. If I did fight with my siblings then I regretted it because not only did they have age but height on me as well, this taught me to pretty much keep to myself when playing games. Also I grew up in the town of Morgan, so when I was little the next child my age lived over two miles away at least. There were no backyard friends for me.  I kept company with the many kittens that our cats gave birth to and a large mound of topsoil that had piled up in the front field.  I was the queen of my own world.  My parents must have thought that I was the Queen of the cats as well, and I am sure they feared for my social future.  I had imaginary friends, they were named "Chandelier," and "Tennis Court."   My kittens also were made to suffer my creative naming skills. My favorite names are: Green Grass (he was a gray kitten),  Creamy (orange and white stripes, not totally surprising as creamsicles were my favorite food), and my personal favorite Pause, (not Paws) but Pause...She was named after the VCR.  My family had another knack for naming the adult cats, there was a Hitler and Mussolini and currently there is one cat by the name of  Lucifer. (NO we don't abuse our animals).

Enough about the stupid cats.  I also was a little violinist growing up,  however Morgan Utah did not have any sort of orchestral program at the time.  Therefore I was the ONLY Violinist of my age in Morgan for quite a while. Not till high school did I discover that two more people had moved to the county who could also play the violin.  I was different and I was special.  Even at church events I was told that I was part of a marked generation, that we would be the greatest generation yet.  Yes, it was really easy to believe that I was Special.

Luckily I had a family who taught me that nothing comes for free, and that all things are earned.  I wasn't entitled to anything just because I simply existed.  Was I given a whole lot of opportunity? YES! am I grateful for this? YES!  One very crucial thing I also learned was that my future was not going to come to me, but I had to go after it.  Today, many people graduate from University and they automatically expect a Job will drop from the sky. I hear many people my age complaining that the Job force is too saturated and that it is almost impossible to get a job.  Well, I am under the impression that unless you put yourself out into uncomfortable situations and you really dig deep you won't find that magical job you are looking for. As you can tell I believed myself to have a very stable head on my shoulders.  I knew that if I did anything with my mind made up, and determination then I could accomplish anything in the world.

However, I didn't know that there was problem lurking in my future, (my Achilles heel so to say) would lie in the fact that I am utterly HUMAN, and humans are not perfect.  I thought I could cheat my human state to achieve  supreme greatness, simply by doing my very best.   Well it came as a shock to me when this last semester I failed two college courses (Both General Education courses)  I had finished every requirement of my Major and I was on course to Graduate when all of a sudden these two courses turned me over backwards and dumped me in the mud.   I have failed courses before, but whenever I did I knew it was because I hadn't studied or tried to learn the material.  But this time, it was to be my last semester of Univeristy EVER....and I failed 2 freshman level courses. I studied so thoroughly and intently for both courses,  I can honestly say that there was nothing I could have done to try harder than I did....and I failed.
Imagine my humiliation, and my confidence was completely shot.  Even now I don't want to think about re-taking those courses...so I avoid thinking about it.  Everything that I had ever believed of myself went straight out the window. I am ashamed that my confidence was so easily discarded when my abilities were questioned in the slightest.

Then one day I came to the startling realization that I......am normal.  I am Human.  I am no exception to the rule.  Hard things will come and I will still have to deal with them. I WILL FAIL SOMETIMES, and there will be nothing I can do but to get up and try again. This was the one thing that I never learned growing up was how to accept my failures.  If I ignore them then they will remain my failures, if I try to overcome them, they may still be my failures...but at least I will be climbing towards resolution. Failing is one way to take a step back and look at the problem objectively and start anew with a better idea of accomplishing something great.

 “ It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all—in which case, you fail by default."
                                                                                                           -JK Rowling.


When suffering from a failure, you are only in the company of those who have failed before, but got up and eventually achieved success. Like Walt Disney, and Albert Einstein. I'm OK being in their company.  I am a Millennial kid...but that doesn't mean exactly what the world thinks it means.  We are not exempt from failures, but it is through our failures that we can be achieve greatness and become Special.  We just need to acknowledge that failing is a part of life sometimes, and it's not always a bad thing.

Walking in the Shoes of Those that I Judged

People always say that you shouldn't judge a person till you have walked a mile in their shoes, and like any other person I am guilty of  pre-maturely judging people all throughout my life.  These kind of life lessons will never cease to come, and when the come they seem to invade every corner of your life.  So here is my humble apology to all stereotypes and judgments I have made thus far.  First I am sorry for judging any person going through High School. As stated in the movie "Little Miss Sunshine,"  High school is the prime years for suffering.  Looking back at old photos and yearbooks I find that everyone looked miserable even if they were the popular kids or the nerdy kids.  High school wouldn't be high school if you didn't suffer in some way.  Those awful years are what turn us into pre-humans.  The same goes for freshman year in college.  Finding ones self is never an easy journey.  Some find themselves before others and some people have to go through a lot of change in order to discover who they really are.

Second I am sorry for sitting on my high horse when I was preparing for a mission.  I was always told that it was the ugly girls who served missions for the Church.  When I decided to serve a mission I vowed that I would never be classed as one of those frumpy looking "Weird" sister missionaries.  Well, if I had actually understood what being a missionary is maybe I wouldn't have judged so critically.  NO, being a missionary does not mean you have to be frumpy.  But I had no idea how hard serving a mission was going to be.  No one (unless they have done it themselves) understands how hard a mission is.  You work 24/7 and your entire purpose is to help people by being a representative of Christ.  No body on the street could care a bit about what you have to say to them, in fact they will laugh, spit, and curse in your face and then throw you out on the street for even mentioning the name of Christ in their presence!   You begin to have problems with your back from carrying a bag of scriptures for so long.  You constantly have indigestion because you never are 100% sure of what you just ate (But you are grateful for it because it means someone loved you enough to feed you).  You have limited contact with the ones you love and you don't even get to choose the people that you work with.  So why do people do it? Because there is nothing better than actually fighting for what you believe in! There is nothing like the experiences that come from developing a loving relationship with people who share different ideas, cultures, and beliefs. You change each other.  And when you look back you don't regret a single moment because you know because of the purpose you had, and the people you met, that you have become a better person and you wouldn't give that up for anything.  Being fashionable and beautiful takes second place. I am sorry for having judged any person courageous enough to serve a mission.

Third,  I am sorry for judging married women who seem to have lost a desire to wear makeup, or who don't have near the style sense that they had before they got married.  Well, I am here to say that style is not all the shiz that I thought it was beforehand.  Honestly, if I don't wear socks that match, or if I obviously picked out an outfit that resembles a who from whoville to wear, it's probably because I barely made it to school on time because there are so many things to be taken care of. But, I finally don't care.   If someone thinks I look like a dork then great! They are probably seeing who I really am on the inside.  Now, I do quite enjoy looking nice.  I love looking like my outfit was chosen from a catalog, I like being able to walk with extreme confidence unafraid of anything in the world.  It makes me feel like Jennifer Garner on Alias.  I look good and I am about to kick some butt.  But that being said, I now put more importance on laughter, I love making Shane laugh and I love surprising him by things that I do.  I also love it when he makes me laugh because he knows me so well.  And when I am grumpy he knows exactly how to calm the vicious dragon inside of me down.  I also love making delicious food. It becomes my own science experiment when I cook.  And I must say I am a pretty good cook, sometimes it doesn't always work out...so I learn to adapt and I learn not to do the same thing again.  No, I hardly have time for myself between being a full time student with two part time jobs and a house to take care of. But I am much happier.

Lastly I am so sorry for having judged any pregnant woman ever!  A woman whose house is dirty, and there is food on here shirt from her last meal.  Growing a person is freaking hard! Everything makes you nauseous, you forget to brush your teeth most of the time and on top of that you can barely remember the basic functions of  being a human.  On top of all of the symptoms of pregnancy your expenses have increased dramatically with all of the medical bills.  And some days you think it would be easier just to live in a hole and give birth to the baby there,  then there would be no politics or dealing with doctors.  Getting through this part is proving to be awfully difficult.  M being an extreme planner does nothing because now I have no control over anything in my life and I just have to have faith that everything is going to be okay and that none of the amazingly weird dreams I have been having are going to actually come true.  I am sorry for judging any pregnant woman.  But I hear that all of it is worth it in the end when you finally meet the little person who has been kicking your bladder for the past several months.

So now I would just like to apologize to anyone I judge in the future.  I know I don't understand now, but don't worry it will eventually catch up with me and I will finally understand why you do things the way you do.