Living in a world that feeds off of hysteria and pessimism, I often find myself thinking about what kind of life I myself would like to lead. If the world is really as bad as everyone says it is, how on earth am I ever going to find peace in it? A while back I read a blog, this blog was designed to put down everyone and everything that the writer deemed to be 'unworthy'. Imagine that, this person has created an entire blog just to tell the world how much they hate it. This particular blogger appointed themselves to be the 'judge of everything,' and sat upon a throne criticizing and demeaning every person who had ever shown forth an optimistic or positive opinion.
While I am sad for this person, knowing that one day (when and if they grow up) they will feel absolutely humiliated for saying such stupid things online; I do understand why this person has become that way.
We have allowed pessimism to rule our lives for too long. We have put our emotions into the media, and we let them dictate everything we should be feeling. Ebola is running rampant, HIDE! GET GAS MASKS! WE ARE ALL GONNA DIE, AND IT'S OBAMA'S FAULT! The government is taking over our lives, DON'T ASSOCIATE WITH ANYONE FROM THE OPPOSITE POLITICAL PARTY! This church (even though I'm not associated with it in any way) said something that I don't agree with: TORCH ALL THE BELIEVERS! Honestly, where have we let ourselves go? Didn't we used to fight for a reason? wasn't there a common dream between all people to find a greater good? The media has done an excellent job at destroying the voice of the people. Rather than banning together to make good things happen, we quarrel amongst ourselves. We have given up fighting together, and now we fight each other. What a stunning tactic, we as a society have been lulled into a state of damning complacency; there will be no fight from us now, we just accept what the world will put upon us.
We have stopped dreaming and we now remain stagnant; our world is falling apart because we have nothing to look forward to each day. We have settled into poverty and debt, and we just accept that life must be that way, and we don't even try to change it now.
I remember a poster on my high school history teachers wall, this poster stated: "If you don't like something, Change it. If you can't change it, Change yourself." This poster stuck with me, even through my own dark times. I always knew that if there was something about my situation I absolutely hated, then it was ME who had the power to change it. Whether I changed the circumstances, or my attitude toward the situation, it was in MY POWER. Have I always abided by this rule? No, but I have always known of its veracity.
I can't change what anyone else does with their lives, but I can change what I do with mine. If I want to make a million dollars, well, I'm going to do it. If I want to travel the world, I will find a way to do it. I can only do what I tell myself I can do. I'm a Petersen for Petes sake, and when someone tells us we can't do something we often do it just to prove them wrong. Mostly, we listen to the people who tell us we can, not the people who tell us we can't. Our task is not impossible, we are good enough to accomplish the task!
I am grateful for the family and friends I have who tell me that I can, a support system who taught me to do hard things and never give up!
To that self appointed blogger I mentioned at the beginning of this post, I am sorry that you have given up. I am sorry that you are letting the world run your life instead of acting for yourself. I do not know at what point you gave up your free agency to act for yourself, but I hope one day you will find it again. I hope one day, the world will let optimism and hope rule their decisions instead of hate and fear.
Be grateful, and learn to love again, it's your life....do something with it.
Tuesday, November 18, 2014
Wednesday, July 9, 2014
The Hell of Bell's and then a Baby
While my last blog was very inspirational, I feel I must come clean. I have not weathered this disease of Bell's Palsy with any amount of grace. In fact the longer my face remained motionless the more bitter I became. It has been almost 5 months since my face became paralyzed and only now am I starting to regain muscle movement. In this post I would like to share the two sides of myself as I traveled through this new world of being a mother and all the interesting turns my life has taken.
10 days late! My baby, although weighing in at good solid 6 pounds at my 32 week visit was in fact 10 days overdue. Born March 25, 2014 Mr. Maxwell Conrad York! He's pretty much the best baby anyone could ever ask for. However, he did not make it easy on his mom. I went into the hospital Sunday night to be induced as I was clearly never going to have the baby on my own. After 24 hours of medications, pitosin, contractions, epidurals, oxygen masks and my water being broken by the doctor I still had not dilated past 3cm. As you can imagine I was beginning to believe that I would in fact be pregnant forever, or I would die there in the delivery room. But luckily for modern medication they have significantly reduced the number of women who die during childbirth each year. Finally around 29.5 hours of being in labor I was finally fully dilated, I could get this baby out. A half hour later we said hello to the cutest newborn I have ever seen, He was probably so cute because he completely skipped the scrawny newborn stage, born at 3:30 a.m. and weighing in at 9lbs 2oz I had given birth to a child that was actually several weeks old already, therefore he skipped the weird alien looking phase.
10 days late! My baby, although weighing in at good solid 6 pounds at my 32 week visit was in fact 10 days overdue. Born March 25, 2014 Mr. Maxwell Conrad York! He's pretty much the best baby anyone could ever ask for. However, he did not make it easy on his mom. I went into the hospital Sunday night to be induced as I was clearly never going to have the baby on my own. After 24 hours of medications, pitosin, contractions, epidurals, oxygen masks and my water being broken by the doctor I still had not dilated past 3cm. As you can imagine I was beginning to believe that I would in fact be pregnant forever, or I would die there in the delivery room. But luckily for modern medication they have significantly reduced the number of women who die during childbirth each year. Finally around 29.5 hours of being in labor I was finally fully dilated, I could get this baby out. A half hour later we said hello to the cutest newborn I have ever seen, He was probably so cute because he completely skipped the scrawny newborn stage, born at 3:30 a.m. and weighing in at 9lbs 2oz I had given birth to a child that was actually several weeks old already, therefore he skipped the weird alien looking phase.
Obviously I was the luckiest lady in the world that night. I still get a little teary when I drive past the hospital where he was born. Tears of Joy and also tears of dread (for another reason). You see, giving birth had somehow messed me up on the inside, and a few weeks after little Conrad was born I began to have severe chest pain. I'll be quite honest I thought it was only really bad gas until the pain started getting worse to the point that it felt like someone was blowing up a steel balloon inside my rib cage. If I didn't think that I was dying while in labor I certainly thought I was now. I shortly realized by the severity of the pain that I was having problems with gallstones (which is a common problem in my family). This pain was 10 times worse than a labor contraction, who knew that was possible. All this and my face still had not started to heal. Not only was I becoming bitter I was now in severe pain. I would have Gallbladder attacks about 3-4 times a week, mainly at night. When I felt an attack coming on I usually tried not to wake Shane up, so I would head out to the couch and scream into a pillow until the pain subsided. These attacks lasted about an hour a piece on average.
I had never experienced anything like this in my life. I had always been a really healthy girl. Never did I think that I could be so sick. On top of a paralyzed face, Gallbladder infection, and giving birth, I also encountered bouts of Mastitis, and the flu, which between the two caused me not to be able to feed my own child. I also had fair amount of depression, the details of which I will not discuss on a blog. I can honestly say that I was brought so low that I could not see the light of day. The only thing I had really keeping me around was the little smile of my Conrad. And to top it all off, May 5th I went to my graduation from the University of Utah. I had been waiting for this day for years, and not only was I really sick, but I would have to walk across the stage, smile, and take a picture with two people I didn't even know all while sporting a severely lopsided face that made me look like both Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde at the same time. I wanted to give up on everything! I hated life so much that I was making myself and my family suffer.
Finally one night I felt a gallbladder attack coming on. I quickly asked Shane for a help. He gave me what is called a Priesthood Blessing in our faith. This blessing is basically a sacred prayer to God to administer to sick people. In the blessing he did not bless me with the ability to overcome this attack easily, rather he blessed the doctors that they would know what to do. Since I did not plan on going to the hospital I thought he was just tired an incoherent. I then proceeded to the couch to begin my ritual of writhing in agony.Well that was at 4 a.m., by 8 a.m. the attack still had not relinquished its hell fury. I was by this time dehydrated and hyperventilating. So I told Shane that we were going to the hospital, we ran several red lights and I rushed to the E.R. window. They immediately took me in, I can't tell you how much I loved morphine in that moment.
They took me into surgery that day and removed my gallbladder (It is the best health decision I have ever made). Looking back on this, I still can't believe that I'm okay today. I have this desire to cry, but I don't want to re-live all of that horror. It has been a long recovery process and I have not been okay all of the time. But I now know that I am a person who can overcome things. I am still pulling out this whole mess, my face is still healing and has made much better improvement as of late. I am taking better care of myself and making sure that I am eating healthy. I have to, I can't afford the consequences, I can't do that to my family again.
Enough about the myriad of pain I had, let me tell you about this amazing little person who has taken control of my heart. He is so good, when I would have bad days he could tell and he would be patient with me. He growls back at me when I growl at him and he is a continuously happy baby. I am so lucky! The only time he really becomes a monster is when he's hungry, and heck who isn't a monster when they are hungry! He loves me and thinks I'm beautiful even though I can't fully smile, and he loves my signing voice, especially in the shower. He believes me to be the most talented Violinist in the whole world and he is by far the most handsome kid I have ever seen. He loves bath time so much that sometimes I imagine one day he will be a great swimmer and will totally kick Micheal Phelps iron clad butt. But for now he will just dance in his little tub covered in bubbles. Later he can choose what he wants to be, but for now I'm going to wait till he wakes up from his nap and then attack him with kisses on his wonderful corpulent cheeks.
Last I want to thank Shane, he has saved my life over and over again these past few months. I can safely say I would not be here without him. Life is hard and sometimes it seems like there is no way out of the mess we find ourselves in. But I would never choose to go back to who I was before. I am not grateful for the trial itself, but I am grateful for what it has taught me, and I am grateful for the miracles that have helped me through it so far.
Friday, January 31, 2014
Growing up as a Millennial is a tricky thing in this world. As you can see there are articles about us streaming the internet far and wide. Now, I am not writing this to vent any specific idea. I am only writing my own experience with being a so called "Millennial Child."
Growing up I was told I was special, and it was very easy for me to believe. Easy in the sense that I grew up in rural Utah and there weren't a whole lot of people to compete with for being "Special." I was the youngest of Seven Children and there was also a seven year gap in between my next sibling and myself. I essentially grew up an only child, I did not have brothers and sisters close in age to fight with. If I did fight with my siblings then I regretted it because not only did they have age but height on me as well, this taught me to pretty much keep to myself when playing games. Also I grew up in the town of Morgan, so when I was little the next child my age lived over two miles away at least. There were no backyard friends for me. I kept company with the many kittens that our cats gave birth to and a large mound of topsoil that had piled up in the front field. I was the queen of my own world. My parents must have thought that I was the Queen of the cats as well, and I am sure they feared for my social future. I had imaginary friends, they were named "Chandelier," and "Tennis Court." My kittens also were made to suffer my creative naming skills. My favorite names are: Green Grass (he was a gray kitten), Creamy (orange and white stripes, not totally surprising as creamsicles were my favorite food), and my personal favorite Pause, (not Paws) but Pause...She was named after the VCR. My family had another knack for naming the adult cats, there was a Hitler and Mussolini and currently there is one cat by the name of Lucifer. (NO we don't abuse our animals).
Enough about the stupid cats. I also was a little violinist growing up, however Morgan Utah did not have any sort of orchestral program at the time. Therefore I was the ONLY Violinist of my age in Morgan for quite a while. Not till high school did I discover that two more people had moved to the county who could also play the violin. I was different and I was special. Even at church events I was told that I was part of a marked generation, that we would be the greatest generation yet. Yes, it was really easy to believe that I was Special.
Luckily I had a family who taught me that nothing comes for free, and that all things are earned. I wasn't entitled to anything just because I simply existed. Was I given a whole lot of opportunity? YES! am I grateful for this? YES! One very crucial thing I also learned was that my future was not going to come to me, but I had to go after it. Today, many people graduate from University and they automatically expect a Job will drop from the sky. I hear many people my age complaining that the Job force is too saturated and that it is almost impossible to get a job. Well, I am under the impression that unless you put yourself out into uncomfortable situations and you really dig deep you won't find that magical job you are looking for. As you can tell I believed myself to have a very stable head on my shoulders. I knew that if I did anything with my mind made up, and determination then I could accomplish anything in the world.
However, I didn't know that there was problem lurking in my future, (my Achilles heel so to say) would lie in the fact that I am utterly HUMAN, and humans are not perfect. I thought I could cheat my human state to achieve supreme greatness, simply by doing my very best. Well it came as a shock to me when this last semester I failed two college courses (Both General Education courses) I had finished every requirement of my Major and I was on course to Graduate when all of a sudden these two courses turned me over backwards and dumped me in the mud. I have failed courses before, but whenever I did I knew it was because I hadn't studied or tried to learn the material. But this time, it was to be my last semester of Univeristy EVER....and I failed 2 freshman level courses. I studied so thoroughly and intently for both courses, I can honestly say that there was nothing I could have done to try harder than I did....and I failed.
Imagine my humiliation, and my confidence was completely shot. Even now I don't want to think about re-taking those courses...so I avoid thinking about it. Everything that I had ever believed of myself went straight out the window. I am ashamed that my confidence was so easily discarded when my abilities were questioned in the slightest.
Then one day I came to the startling realization that I......am normal. I am Human. I am no exception to the rule. Hard things will come and I will still have to deal with them. I WILL FAIL SOMETIMES, and there will be nothing I can do but to get up and try again. This was the one thing that I never learned growing up was how to accept my failures. If I ignore them then they will remain my failures, if I try to overcome them, they may still be my failures...but at least I will be climbing towards resolution. Failing is one way to take a step back and look at the problem objectively and start anew with a better idea of accomplishing something great.
“ It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all—in which case, you fail by default."
-JK Rowling.
When suffering from a failure, you are only in the company of those who have failed before, but got up and eventually achieved success. Like Walt Disney, and Albert Einstein. I'm OK being in their company. I am a Millennial kid...but that doesn't mean exactly what the world thinks it means. We are not exempt from failures, but it is through our failures that we can be achieve greatness and become Special. We just need to acknowledge that failing is a part of life sometimes, and it's not always a bad thing.
Growing up I was told I was special, and it was very easy for me to believe. Easy in the sense that I grew up in rural Utah and there weren't a whole lot of people to compete with for being "Special." I was the youngest of Seven Children and there was also a seven year gap in between my next sibling and myself. I essentially grew up an only child, I did not have brothers and sisters close in age to fight with. If I did fight with my siblings then I regretted it because not only did they have age but height on me as well, this taught me to pretty much keep to myself when playing games. Also I grew up in the town of Morgan, so when I was little the next child my age lived over two miles away at least. There were no backyard friends for me. I kept company with the many kittens that our cats gave birth to and a large mound of topsoil that had piled up in the front field. I was the queen of my own world. My parents must have thought that I was the Queen of the cats as well, and I am sure they feared for my social future. I had imaginary friends, they were named "Chandelier," and "Tennis Court." My kittens also were made to suffer my creative naming skills. My favorite names are: Green Grass (he was a gray kitten), Creamy (orange and white stripes, not totally surprising as creamsicles were my favorite food), and my personal favorite Pause, (not Paws) but Pause...She was named after the VCR. My family had another knack for naming the adult cats, there was a Hitler and Mussolini and currently there is one cat by the name of Lucifer. (NO we don't abuse our animals).
Enough about the stupid cats. I also was a little violinist growing up, however Morgan Utah did not have any sort of orchestral program at the time. Therefore I was the ONLY Violinist of my age in Morgan for quite a while. Not till high school did I discover that two more people had moved to the county who could also play the violin. I was different and I was special. Even at church events I was told that I was part of a marked generation, that we would be the greatest generation yet. Yes, it was really easy to believe that I was Special.
Luckily I had a family who taught me that nothing comes for free, and that all things are earned. I wasn't entitled to anything just because I simply existed. Was I given a whole lot of opportunity? YES! am I grateful for this? YES! One very crucial thing I also learned was that my future was not going to come to me, but I had to go after it. Today, many people graduate from University and they automatically expect a Job will drop from the sky. I hear many people my age complaining that the Job force is too saturated and that it is almost impossible to get a job. Well, I am under the impression that unless you put yourself out into uncomfortable situations and you really dig deep you won't find that magical job you are looking for. As you can tell I believed myself to have a very stable head on my shoulders. I knew that if I did anything with my mind made up, and determination then I could accomplish anything in the world.
However, I didn't know that there was problem lurking in my future, (my Achilles heel so to say) would lie in the fact that I am utterly HUMAN, and humans are not perfect. I thought I could cheat my human state to achieve supreme greatness, simply by doing my very best. Well it came as a shock to me when this last semester I failed two college courses (Both General Education courses) I had finished every requirement of my Major and I was on course to Graduate when all of a sudden these two courses turned me over backwards and dumped me in the mud. I have failed courses before, but whenever I did I knew it was because I hadn't studied or tried to learn the material. But this time, it was to be my last semester of Univeristy EVER....and I failed 2 freshman level courses. I studied so thoroughly and intently for both courses, I can honestly say that there was nothing I could have done to try harder than I did....and I failed.
Imagine my humiliation, and my confidence was completely shot. Even now I don't want to think about re-taking those courses...so I avoid thinking about it. Everything that I had ever believed of myself went straight out the window. I am ashamed that my confidence was so easily discarded when my abilities were questioned in the slightest.
Then one day I came to the startling realization that I......am normal. I am Human. I am no exception to the rule. Hard things will come and I will still have to deal with them. I WILL FAIL SOMETIMES, and there will be nothing I can do but to get up and try again. This was the one thing that I never learned growing up was how to accept my failures. If I ignore them then they will remain my failures, if I try to overcome them, they may still be my failures...but at least I will be climbing towards resolution. Failing is one way to take a step back and look at the problem objectively and start anew with a better idea of accomplishing something great.
“ It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all—in which case, you fail by default."
-JK Rowling.
When suffering from a failure, you are only in the company of those who have failed before, but got up and eventually achieved success. Like Walt Disney, and Albert Einstein. I'm OK being in their company. I am a Millennial kid...but that doesn't mean exactly what the world thinks it means. We are not exempt from failures, but it is through our failures that we can be achieve greatness and become Special. We just need to acknowledge that failing is a part of life sometimes, and it's not always a bad thing.
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