People always say that you shouldn't judge a person till you have walked a mile in their shoes, and like any other person I am guilty of pre-maturely judging people all throughout my life. These kind of life lessons will never cease to come, and when the come they seem to invade every corner of your life. So here is my humble apology to all stereotypes and judgments I have made thus far. First I am sorry for judging any person going through High School. As stated in the movie "Little Miss Sunshine," High school is the prime years for suffering. Looking back at old photos and yearbooks I find that everyone looked miserable even if they were the popular kids or the nerdy kids. High school wouldn't be high school if you didn't suffer in some way. Those awful years are what turn us into pre-humans. The same goes for freshman year in college. Finding ones self is never an easy journey. Some find themselves before others and some people have to go through a lot of change in order to discover who they really are.
Second I am sorry for sitting on my high horse when I was preparing for a mission. I was always told that it was the ugly girls who served missions for the Church. When I decided to serve a mission I vowed that I would never be classed as one of those frumpy looking "Weird" sister missionaries. Well, if I had actually understood what being a missionary is maybe I wouldn't have judged so critically. NO, being a missionary does not mean you have to be frumpy. But I had no idea how hard serving a mission was going to be. No one (unless they have done it themselves) understands how hard a mission is. You work 24/7 and your entire purpose is to help people by being a representative of Christ. No body on the street could care a bit about what you have to say to them, in fact they will laugh, spit, and curse in your face and then throw you out on the street for even mentioning the name of Christ in their presence! You begin to have problems with your back from carrying a bag of scriptures for so long. You constantly have indigestion because you never are 100% sure of what you just ate (But you are grateful for it because it means someone loved you enough to feed you). You have limited contact with the ones you love and you don't even get to choose the people that you work with. So why do people do it? Because there is nothing better than actually fighting for what you believe in! There is nothing like the experiences that come from developing a loving relationship with people who share different ideas, cultures, and beliefs. You change each other. And when you look back you don't regret a single moment because you know because of the purpose you had, and the people you met, that you have become a better person and you wouldn't give that up for anything. Being fashionable and beautiful takes second place. I am sorry for having judged any person courageous enough to serve a mission.
Third, I am sorry for judging married women who seem to have lost a desire to wear makeup, or who don't have near the style sense that they had before they got married. Well, I am here to say that style is not all the shiz that I thought it was beforehand. Honestly, if I don't wear socks that match, or if I obviously picked out an outfit that resembles a who from whoville to wear, it's probably because I barely made it to school on time because there are so many things to be taken care of. But, I finally don't care. If someone thinks I look like a dork then great! They are probably seeing who I really am on the inside. Now, I do quite enjoy looking nice. I love looking like my outfit was chosen from a catalog, I like being able to walk with extreme confidence unafraid of anything in the world. It makes me feel like Jennifer Garner on Alias. I look good and I am about to kick some butt. But that being said, I now put more importance on laughter, I love making Shane laugh and I love surprising him by things that I do. I also love it when he makes me laugh because he knows me so well. And when I am grumpy he knows exactly how to calm the vicious dragon inside of me down. I also love making delicious food. It becomes my own science experiment when I cook. And I must say I am a pretty good cook, sometimes it doesn't always work out...so I learn to adapt and I learn not to do the same thing again. No, I hardly have time for myself between being a full time student with two part time jobs and a house to take care of. But I am much happier.
Lastly I am so sorry for having judged any pregnant woman ever! A woman whose house is dirty, and there is food on here shirt from her last meal. Growing a person is freaking hard! Everything makes you nauseous, you forget to brush your teeth most of the time and on top of that you can barely remember the basic functions of being a human. On top of all of the symptoms of pregnancy your expenses have increased dramatically with all of the medical bills. And some days you think it would be easier just to live in a hole and give birth to the baby there, then there would be no politics or dealing with doctors. Getting through this part is proving to be awfully difficult. M being an extreme planner does nothing because now I have no control over anything in my life and I just have to have faith that everything is going to be okay and that none of the amazingly weird dreams I have been having are going to actually come true. I am sorry for judging any pregnant woman. But I hear that all of it is worth it in the end when you finally meet the little person who has been kicking your bladder for the past several months.
So now I would just like to apologize to anyone I judge in the future. I know I don't understand now, but don't worry it will eventually catch up with me and I will finally understand why you do things the way you do.
Thursday, November 14, 2013
Thursday, June 20, 2013
They "Why" of my life.
SO, living in Salt Lake is Great! I love it here. I love the mountains, I love the fact that I can go running in the park (memory grove), I love that there is an awesome mall less than a block away. I love that it is diverse...well more diverse than Morgan Utah, where Shane and I both grew up. However, one of my favorite things is the Temple. My parents and grandparents were married in the Salt Lake Temple, I was also married there, and after the wedding we walked home to our apartment where we have now lived for almost 2 years now.
However, there is one thing that I am ashamed of, I study music at the University of Utah (that's not what I am ashamed of) But at the University I am surrounded by people who have very diverse pasts, and very liberal views. When I came home from the mission I quickly realized that being a Mormon in Salt Lake was an extremely taboo subject. Everyone already assumed they knew who I really was based on my beliefs (or at least that is how I felt). I can't judge them in turn saying that they were judgmental...that would be completely inefficient and contrary to what I am trying to express in this blog. However, what happened was that I became ashamed of who I was. I was terrified that people would judge me because I was Mormon...I wanted to be accepted and I wanted to accept and love those around me...so I hid myself from the world that I lived in. I hid my testimony (really there is no point in having one if you constantly hide it). Looking back on this I am ashamed that I would be so ready to assume the worst of those around me. So I wanted to write this blog and express exactly why I believe in the Gospel of Jesus Christ, why I practice my beliefs and why I am Mormon.
First I believe there is a reason for families. Families are not just some random concept that comes from no where and ends when we die. If this were the case then why would we try to build relationships with people? If we are just going to die and end up miserable and alone why on earth would we have a family? It HURTS to lose someone...I don't want that kind of pain unless it is worth something in the end...unless I have developed that relationship for a reason. The Gospel of Jesus Christ teaches that our Families are FOREVER...not just for this life. I lost my sister, my nice and my cousin all to cancer. Anne my sister had Melanoma (stage 4) she died at age 33. Sarah, my niece had Leukemia, she died age 3. Natalie my cousin had childhood sarcoma, she died age 22. All of them were taken from me and for a while I believed that everyone I loved would disappear or die and I would end up all alone. But eventually I came to understand that what my church really teaches is that life does not end with death...but rather we progress onto another stage of our lives, but we do not do so alone...we have our families. That is the one thing that will be constant always is that I have my family. They are everything to me.
Second, I believe in mistakes! I believe that we are all human and prone to idiocy...we do stupid things and we learn from our mistakes. Sometimes the lessons are really hard, and sometimes we don't know what the lesson has taught us until years later. However, the one thing I know is that I have made some really dumb mistakes in my life, things that I have regretted. I have felt pain for those mistakes....I have been ashamed and embarrassed. But one thing I have also learned is that Jesus Christ didn't go to the Garden of Gethsemane for nothing. He went there cause he knew we'd make mistakes, and he knew that our souls would hurt because of the mistakes we have made. So he gave us a way to be forgiven. Now you may ask, as I did, why do we need to be forgiven? That is simple, because we in our souls way deep down, we know that we are hurting ourselves. And we know that there has to be something greater than this life. why would we keep on living if all we had to look forward to was an expensive mortgage, bills that never end, health problems, old age and eventually death? If I were looking at it that way...I wouldn't want to keep on living. But I know for myself that there is something more...and I gotta do the best I can here in this life or i'm gonna regret it. Make good...and pay it forward. I like to think of the story from the Bible when Peter walks on the water. Now from the story...Jesus beckons him to come to him on the water, and Peter gets out of the boat and he doesn't make it very far. Peter took a few steps and and quickly his doubt overcame him and he fell into the waves. But Jesus didn't just say, "well you doubted, so now i'm gonna let you drown a little so you learn your lesson." NOOOOO he didn't say that at all! He immediately went to his friend and pulled him up out of the water and then He asked Peter why he had doubted. If we do make mistakes all we have to do is show a little faith and turn to our Savior and he'll pull us out of what ever Hell we have created for ourselves and he will take us back. He loves us.
Now, I'm pretty sure no one really reads my blog, but whatever. I really wrote this for myself. I needed to finally accept who I am and stop trying to hide it. I fully believe in the Gospel of Jesus Christ...there is not one thing that can take that knowledge from me. No matter of anti-Mormon literature...or money or even people telling me that I'm stupid for being so naive as to believe in something bigger than myself. Why do I believe? Because I Choose to...is it an easy decision? No, it's really hard. But I know what I know and I can't hide myself anymore. People will have to love me for who I am...and not who they want me to be. I in turn have to love myself for who I am...and not for anyone else. Am i saying everyone in the world has to be Mormon? no, I am not saying that...diversity is what makes this life beautiful and interesting. But I am saying the being Mormon isn't a bad thing.
However, there is one thing that I am ashamed of, I study music at the University of Utah (that's not what I am ashamed of) But at the University I am surrounded by people who have very diverse pasts, and very liberal views. When I came home from the mission I quickly realized that being a Mormon in Salt Lake was an extremely taboo subject. Everyone already assumed they knew who I really was based on my beliefs (or at least that is how I felt). I can't judge them in turn saying that they were judgmental...that would be completely inefficient and contrary to what I am trying to express in this blog. However, what happened was that I became ashamed of who I was. I was terrified that people would judge me because I was Mormon...I wanted to be accepted and I wanted to accept and love those around me...so I hid myself from the world that I lived in. I hid my testimony (really there is no point in having one if you constantly hide it). Looking back on this I am ashamed that I would be so ready to assume the worst of those around me. So I wanted to write this blog and express exactly why I believe in the Gospel of Jesus Christ, why I practice my beliefs and why I am Mormon.
First I believe there is a reason for families. Families are not just some random concept that comes from no where and ends when we die. If this were the case then why would we try to build relationships with people? If we are just going to die and end up miserable and alone why on earth would we have a family? It HURTS to lose someone...I don't want that kind of pain unless it is worth something in the end...unless I have developed that relationship for a reason. The Gospel of Jesus Christ teaches that our Families are FOREVER...not just for this life. I lost my sister, my nice and my cousin all to cancer. Anne my sister had Melanoma (stage 4) she died at age 33. Sarah, my niece had Leukemia, she died age 3. Natalie my cousin had childhood sarcoma, she died age 22. All of them were taken from me and for a while I believed that everyone I loved would disappear or die and I would end up all alone. But eventually I came to understand that what my church really teaches is that life does not end with death...but rather we progress onto another stage of our lives, but we do not do so alone...we have our families. That is the one thing that will be constant always is that I have my family. They are everything to me.
Second, I believe in mistakes! I believe that we are all human and prone to idiocy...we do stupid things and we learn from our mistakes. Sometimes the lessons are really hard, and sometimes we don't know what the lesson has taught us until years later. However, the one thing I know is that I have made some really dumb mistakes in my life, things that I have regretted. I have felt pain for those mistakes....I have been ashamed and embarrassed. But one thing I have also learned is that Jesus Christ didn't go to the Garden of Gethsemane for nothing. He went there cause he knew we'd make mistakes, and he knew that our souls would hurt because of the mistakes we have made. So he gave us a way to be forgiven. Now you may ask, as I did, why do we need to be forgiven? That is simple, because we in our souls way deep down, we know that we are hurting ourselves. And we know that there has to be something greater than this life. why would we keep on living if all we had to look forward to was an expensive mortgage, bills that never end, health problems, old age and eventually death? If I were looking at it that way...I wouldn't want to keep on living. But I know for myself that there is something more...and I gotta do the best I can here in this life or i'm gonna regret it. Make good...and pay it forward. I like to think of the story from the Bible when Peter walks on the water. Now from the story...Jesus beckons him to come to him on the water, and Peter gets out of the boat and he doesn't make it very far. Peter took a few steps and and quickly his doubt overcame him and he fell into the waves. But Jesus didn't just say, "well you doubted, so now i'm gonna let you drown a little so you learn your lesson." NOOOOO he didn't say that at all! He immediately went to his friend and pulled him up out of the water and then He asked Peter why he had doubted. If we do make mistakes all we have to do is show a little faith and turn to our Savior and he'll pull us out of what ever Hell we have created for ourselves and he will take us back. He loves us.
Now, I'm pretty sure no one really reads my blog, but whatever. I really wrote this for myself. I needed to finally accept who I am and stop trying to hide it. I fully believe in the Gospel of Jesus Christ...there is not one thing that can take that knowledge from me. No matter of anti-Mormon literature...or money or even people telling me that I'm stupid for being so naive as to believe in something bigger than myself. Why do I believe? Because I Choose to...is it an easy decision? No, it's really hard. But I know what I know and I can't hide myself anymore. People will have to love me for who I am...and not who they want me to be. I in turn have to love myself for who I am...and not for anyone else. Am i saying everyone in the world has to be Mormon? no, I am not saying that...diversity is what makes this life beautiful and interesting. But I am saying the being Mormon isn't a bad thing.
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